Tuatara Sells Out

The rumours are true – Tuatara Brewery is now part of a multinational corporation after being purchased at last week’s Auckland Beer Festival in Ellerslie Racecourse.

Tuatara Sales Manager Will Cass reported that business at the Tuatara festival stand was brisk despite the poor weather. Over the course of the day, both he and Director Sean Murrie were delighted by the number of Aucklanders who appeared to know and appreciate Tuatara beers.

One group of customers who stood out even in the big crowds were the Beer Arabs – a group of authentically dressed men from Waiheke Island. Near the end of the event, they returned to the Tuatara stand, formed a semi-circle, dropped to their knees and gave prolonged high-pitched praise. The leader then approached the table and delivered a framed formal document to the rather startled Tuatara crew.

Sean said he was initially delighted to receive what he assumed was the supreme award for the festival but was astonished to be told by the group’s leader that it was actually a deed of sale for Tuatara

The full text of the document is reproduced here:

The Beer Arab Decree
That the Tuatara Brewery came to The Oasis bearing BEERS of such fine quality that the BEER ARABS decided to buy the entire brewery on the spot.

The purchase was made through various companies under BEER ARABS central before being sent via an assortment of subsidiary organisations that we don’t really want to explain in any great detail, then onto our good friends in the Cayman Islands (May Allah shower blessings on their tax and banking laws) before being concluded via a disposable mobile phone just minutes ago right here at The Oasis itself.

Your brewery now joins our worldwide portfolio of fine and reputable companies including:

Honest Achmel’s Used Camel Yard, Tripoli. (Currently closed due to bombing. Please leave a message with Mrs Hakeem next door)
Real Ales of Riyadh (incorporating The Mecca Boozeatorium)
Sayeed’s House of Falfels (Come for the cous cous, stay for the explosions!)
Bashhar’s Menswear and Jihad Supplies, Baghdad (Martyrdom in style at prices you will thank Allah for!)
The Gaza Strip Nightclub for Men (The beer is so good you won’t CARE what is under the burqas!)
The Ramallah Inn Hotel, West Bank (Please no weapons to be fired in the rooms after 8pm)

This purchase of your brewery will not affect your day to day activities. All staff will be retained and no alterations to the brewery will be made. Simply continue to make FINE BEERS and all will be well.

Concerned at this potential takeover, particularly without any money coming their way, Tuatara immediately engaged celebrity fake lawyer May Chin, the best legal counsel they could afford. After looking deeply puzzled for ten minutes, Ms Chin concluded:

“As far as I can tell, it is a valid contract. It meets all the requirements – lots of big words, some of them in bold, the language is complicated and there are lots and lots of signatures at the bottom. Granted, none of those signatures are from Tuatara but the contract is in a lovely picture frame which more than overrides the lack of consent from the actual brewery being bought. Those guys sure know how to bargain.”

So there you have it – official confirmation that Tuatara has sold out to a shadowy multinational organisation.

Enjoy the rest of 1 April.

Cheers from the team at Tuatara