Excuse me waiter, there’s a Tuatara on my plate

Dr Samuel Johnson – poet, essayist, moralist, literary critic, biographer, editor and lexicographer.but best known to most Kiwis as the fat dictionary guy on Black Adder the Third – famously said "There is nothing which has yet been contrived by man, by which so much happiness is produced as by a good tavern or inn."

He is completely correct. Tuatara is proud to support and supply many of the finest taverns, inn and even pubs around New Zealand. One of the newest and best is The Hop Garden on Pirie Street in Mount Victoria, Wellington. It is next to the KFC – an appalling description of the location but sadly most people then know where that is. It is the former site of Theo’s Greek Taverna. The proprietor is the legendary James Henderson of Bar Edward fame and he has bought in long-time Tuatara friend Scott Boswell, multi-award winning barman and proud plaid shirt wearer.

The beer selection is exceptional. The food is amazing – even David Burton, a feared food critic who can be exceptionally harsh on food in pubs was impressed. Consequently, a beer and food matching event there made perfect sense. The Hop Garden made the official announcement on their handsome new website:

The Hop Garden in association with Tuatara Brewery is proud to present "Excuse me waiter, there's a Tuatara on my plate": a six course food and beer matching extravaganza. Head Chef Gavin Grant and Mr Tuatara Carl Vasta will offer their insights into the dishes, the beers, and the symbiotic relationship between the two. Wednesday May 4, from 6.30pm. Tickets are $80 per person, and strictly limited to 40 places. To book, please email thehopgarden@gmail.com

None of us here are brave enough to call Carl “Mr Tuatara” far less make jokes about “symbiotic relationships.” It is going to be a mouth-watering event and places are selling out fast.

Like most normal people we regularly Google our own name and this week came across this gem about the Tuatara romance film – “Love in Cold Blood - which is up for three awards at the International Wildlife Film Festival. Here is how the documentary makers describe their film which is "not your ordinary wildlife documentary": It is the twisted tale of the long-running courtship between two tuatara at the Southland Museum. After nearly 40 years of their on-again off-again relationship with enough drama to rival Coronation Street , Henry, 111 and Mildred, 80, were finally caught "in the act" in their enclosure. Henry and Mildred survived rival suitors, love triangles and medical mysteries to triumph with fantastic results for the tuatara captive breeding program.

Tuatara wishes those crazy kids Henry and Mildred all the best and the documentary makers every success at the Festival!

Cheers from the team at Tuatara

Tuatara on the hunt for Gold

In late February, the staff at the Tuatara office were busy completing the company’s application for the 2011 Wellington Gold Awards. These awards are sponsored by The Dominion Post and are basically the premier annual business event for the Wellington region. Readers may recall that we were finalists in the Emerging Business category last year, though we were pipped to the Award by Yellow Brick Road who were worthy winners.

We got our application in on time (just) and were delighted to find out last week that we have again been selected as a finalist in the Emerging Business category. This category, kindly sponsored by ANZ, is for “smaller enterprises”. The finalists will be judged again in the coming weeks with the Awards being presented at a black-tie dinner on May 18. It is one of the rare occasions the Tuatara team will dust off the monkey suits and try to look respectable for an evening.

Our fellow finalists are:

• Celcius Coffee – boutique family owned coffee roasting and cafe company
• Corner Solutions International – world leader in R&D for bending paper faced plaster boards
• Shott Beverages – specialists in premium, innovative hot and cold beverage syrups
• Urban Harvest – an online farmers market representing 70 local growers and foodmakers

There are lots of great local companies who have made the finals but Tuatara wishes the best of luck to our friends at Wellington on a Plate who are short-listed in the Vibrant Gold category. That category covers events, visitor and hospitality facilities.

We will, of course, keep you posted on the final results. In fact, Sales Manager Will may well live tweet the entire Awards ceremony. On the subject of Twitter, @TuataraNZ has recently passed 1,000 followers. That is over 800 more than Hon Peter Dunne but a demoralising 3,583,000 or so behind Charlie Sheen.

On the subject of winning, the Kingsgate Hotel in Wellington is running a Devour Wellington promotion with rooms priced at just $129. Now, that is a tidy price but they will also throw in breakfast for two and a six pack of Tuatara beer for every night booked. We hear the deal has been very popular since it was launched at the end of March.

Cheers from the team at Tuatara

Another first for Tuatara

Monday was a milestone day for the Tuatara Brewing Company. With the help of a large crane, we installed our first ever billboard on Cable Street in central Wellington. It’s near Te Papa, the Capital’s number one tourist destination, so we figured there should be plenty of traffic going past and eager to learn something about our beers.

Yes, we acknowledge there are already hundreds of beer billboards all over the country. Some of the best-known ones contain a rotation of witty sayings. Others are pictures of beautiful people in exotic locations. A large number refer to a major sporting event later in the year. None of them really talk about the flavour of beer though.

We wanted to do something a bit different. With the help of our creative team, we came up with a simple design and a powerful message. The billboard exhorts passers-by “don’t just open a beer – open your mind.” That seemed appropriate so close to the national museum. The target market for the billboard is drinkers who are just getting into craft beer or existing craft drinkers who haven’t tried our whole range yet.

The central image is our very cool APA bottle flanked by our best-selling Pilsner and the dark Tuatara of the family, Porter. In all modesty, we think they look great up on the big canvas. Because of the large size, it is quite easy to see the subtle differences in the APA branding compared to the two more established beers.

Like many small breweries, we place a few newspaper adverts and use social media (primarily Twitter, Facebook and this blog) to get our message across. You won’t see a Tuatara TV ad (for a while at least) but sometimes you can’t do everything on Twitter. Sometimes you just need a really, really big sign.

And now we have one. Any feedback on the design is welcome as are suggestions for other affordable billboard sites because we will probably do some more. In fact, we already have a few ideas.

Seeing the billboard up in all its glory has actually inspired the Tuatara crew to do up the ever-reliable brewery van. Currently, it is basically a big white blank canvas but, given the miles it travels on deliveries and jobs, we have decided to treat it as a mobile billboard. Once the work is done, we should be even easier to spot on the road.

For those that can’t see the billboard “live”, we have put up a photo or two. Enjoy!

Cheers from the team at Tuatara

Tuatara Sells Out

The rumours are true – Tuatara Brewery is now part of a multinational corporation after being purchased at last week’s Auckland Beer Festival in Ellerslie Racecourse.

Tuatara Sales Manager Will Cass reported that business at the Tuatara festival stand was brisk despite the poor weather. Over the course of the day, both he and Director Sean Murrie were delighted by the number of Aucklanders who appeared to know and appreciate Tuatara beers.

One group of customers who stood out even in the big crowds were the Beer Arabs – a group of authentically dressed men from Waiheke Island. Near the end of the event, they returned to the Tuatara stand, formed a semi-circle, dropped to their knees and gave prolonged high-pitched praise. The leader then approached the table and delivered a framed formal document to the rather startled Tuatara crew.

Sean said he was initially delighted to receive what he assumed was the supreme award for the festival but was astonished to be told by the group’s leader that it was actually a deed of sale for Tuatara

The full text of the document is reproduced here:

The Beer Arab Decree
That the Tuatara Brewery came to The Oasis bearing BEERS of such fine quality that the BEER ARABS decided to buy the entire brewery on the spot.

The purchase was made through various companies under BEER ARABS central before being sent via an assortment of subsidiary organisations that we don’t really want to explain in any great detail, then onto our good friends in the Cayman Islands (May Allah shower blessings on their tax and banking laws) before being concluded via a disposable mobile phone just minutes ago right here at The Oasis itself.

Your brewery now joins our worldwide portfolio of fine and reputable companies including:

Honest Achmel’s Used Camel Yard, Tripoli. (Currently closed due to bombing. Please leave a message with Mrs Hakeem next door)
Real Ales of Riyadh (incorporating The Mecca Boozeatorium)
Sayeed’s House of Falfels (Come for the cous cous, stay for the explosions!)
Bashhar’s Menswear and Jihad Supplies, Baghdad (Martyrdom in style at prices you will thank Allah for!)
The Gaza Strip Nightclub for Men (The beer is so good you won’t CARE what is under the burqas!)
The Ramallah Inn Hotel, West Bank (Please no weapons to be fired in the rooms after 8pm)

This purchase of your brewery will not affect your day to day activities. All staff will be retained and no alterations to the brewery will be made. Simply continue to make FINE BEERS and all will be well.

Concerned at this potential takeover, particularly without any money coming their way, Tuatara immediately engaged celebrity fake lawyer May Chin, the best legal counsel they could afford. After looking deeply puzzled for ten minutes, Ms Chin concluded:

“As far as I can tell, it is a valid contract. It meets all the requirements – lots of big words, some of them in bold, the language is complicated and there are lots and lots of signatures at the bottom. Granted, none of those signatures are from Tuatara but the contract is in a lovely picture frame which more than overrides the lack of consent from the actual brewery being bought. Those guys sure know how to bargain.”

So there you have it – official confirmation that Tuatara has sold out to a shadowy multinational organisation.

Enjoy the rest of 1 April.

Cheers from the team at Tuatara